Top 10 reasons why I won’t call you after our first date

Edit #1: The purpose of this list is not to offend anyone, but rather to try and help those who constantly fail at attracting women. I realize some of these things may be a tad personal, but sometimes you have to take a good hard proverbial look in the mirror and try to think of ways you can better yourself. Self-improvement should be an ongoing process every day throughout our adult lives.

Edit #2: The second part of this “top 10 reasons why guys won’t call” is now posted. In it, I reprint an email sent to me by a guy who had a bone or two to pick with the following article:
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Valentines Day has come and gone. Have you found that special someone yet? Chances are if you are reading this article….maybe? not?

I am a current member of , and have been for almost 5 months now. I have met some really nice guys on there, and am currently dating one of them. In looking back at some of the dates I have gone out on from guys that I met through friends or in real life, a few guys have probably wondered why I did not call them back.

So without further adieu, here are my top 10 reasons I will NOT go out on a second date with you. I have to be honest….this is going to be pretty brutal on some people. I’m sorry. These are just common courtesy things you must do in order to make a great first impression on someone.

1. You showed up late to our first date without calling.
This one is pretty self explanatory. Unless you are a heart surgeon and the triple bypass surgery you were operating on went into double overtime, you had better have a good explanation as to why you were late. I understand that traffic issues and transportation issue can cause people to be late to a date. Wildly assuming you don’t have a cell-phone, forgot your morse-code device at home and the blanket used to make smoke signals is tattered and torn, for pete’s sake, when you finally do arrive late try to have at least a plausible excuse. Alien abduction/subsequential probing/you helped a little old lady escape a burning house fire, anything will do. Just don’t waltz on over to the table and pretend that nothing happened. This shows that you are unreliable, and if I can’t trust your word on the first date, how am I supposed to trust you in a relationship?

2. Baby stink-breath (and jacked up teeth)
If I can smell your stank breath from 10 feet away, what in god’s green earth makes you think I would want to kiss that sanitation dump? Try brushing your teeth before a date. I realize that not everyone has perfect teeth (me neither) but at least bleach those suckers so that they don’t look like an army of miniature gold miners have set up camp in your grill. If your teeth are seriously jacked, and you can’t afford the $10,000 cosmetic dental procedures, then try looking up your local dental school. They offer discounted rates to get quality dental work done by students (under the stern supervision of their instructors, of course).

3. Nervousness
Granted. Everyone gets nervous on their first date. But it shouldn’t get to the point where your hands are physically shaking and you stare at me with a blank stare on your face. I went out on dinner date at a local sports pub/diner and I immediately noticed something was wrong when the guy did not make eye contact with me when we first met. After we had sat down and ordered, there was absolutely no small talk. I had to carry the entire conversation and it was downright painful. Every question that I directed at him was a cue for him to take the proverbial ball and run with it. His answers were a short “yes” and “no” and the lovely “Umm, I don’t know” followed by a nervous laugh and another blank stare at me. Not everyone can show complete confidence and even fewer people can fake their way through it. Before you go out on another train wreck of a date, try to spare yourself the embarrassment before hand. Join a local Toastmasters club or take a night class at your local community college. This is a great way to get over the jitters that are accompanied by meeting new people for the first time. I might take you a few months to get your proverbial game in check, but at least this way the next time you go out on a date, your hands won’t be shaking so violently that you get more salt on the table than you do on your fries.

4. Psychics
I cannot stand it when I am out on a date with a guy, and during the course of a normal conversation he starts talking in a future tense. Example: I was out on date with a guy and we hit it off pretty well. 1/2 way into the conversation, he starts talking about “our next camping trip” (I like to go camping) and that made me feel pretty uncomfortable. True, I had told him that I like to camp, and was planning a trip in the not to far future, but for him to assume that I am going to take him with me after only knowing him for a few hours was completely out of line. Throughout the night, he kept planning future dates and future events for us. I mean, if I had found the love of my life (and had a few glasses of vino) then I might have played along. But not for someone who I have only known for a few hours. The creepiest part of the date was when he asked me “what should we name our first born son?” CAMERIERE !! IL CONTO, PER FAVORE !!!

5. Stalkers
Oh lordy….I cannot even begin to count the number of times I have had to change my email address to avoid the guys who just couldn’t take a hint. We had gone out on one date, it was pretty obvious to the both of us that there was no chemistry whatsoever and we agreed to end it on a pleasant note. The very next day I got an email from him, asking me if I wanted to come over and “watch a movie” at his place. I politely responded back that I was still not interested and wished him the best of luck. Whoops….looks like I touched on a raw nerve because the very next day I got a 3 page email blasting me for being a “total and complete bitch” and how “women like me deserve to be single”. He then went on to very eloquently say that he couldn’t understand why all women did this to him……yikes. So he continued this email barrage for another two days until I sent him a strongly worded cease and desist complete in my best legalese to date (I knew all those years spent in law school would come in handy someday) and he finally got the message. Girls, if you have an email stalker, the best thing to do is to Google a “cease and desist” letter and change it to your liking. Tell him that he is “walking a thin line between communication and stalking” and make it clear that you have no further intention of continuing the conversation with him. That usually does the trick. If it doesn’t, contact your local police department via email and forward them a copy of the emails and “cc” them in your cease and desist email.

6. Einsteins theory of stupidity.
Nothing turns a girl off faster than some anal-retentive jerk who talks down to us in a condescending tone throughout the entire date then expects us to fall head over heels for them. I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I just can’t wait to call a guy back the next day after he stomped all over me like a dead carcass the night before. If it smells like a rose and looks like a rose and sounds like a rose on a date, it is probably a stinking pile of you-know-what. I met a guy once for a dinner date who was a supposed prominent attorney, only to come to find out he had failed the bar 3 times in a row and was working as a administrative assistant for a local attorney. During the course of the dinner date I could not get a word in edge-wise over how many court cases he had won and how he was “this close” to becoming a partner etc. et al. Loser.

7. Rudeness to your waiter
I recently read on CNN.com that the majority of CEO’s worldwide say that you can tell a man’s character by the way he treats others, waiters in particular. People that are rude to others or treat them like dirt usually have a bad character. If you are rude to someone who is trying to help you enjoy your dining experience, what are the chances you will treat me the same way? For me, this goes beyond eating in restaurants. I like to give guys who pass muster with me on the first date a little test on the second date. I will take him to Starbucks or anywhere else for that matter. Not any Starbucks, but one with the most incompetent cashier/server that I have ever encountered. Someone SO bad, that most people go out of their way to be nicer to this person. If my date is rude or starts getting huffy or pissy with the server, I will instantly fake a phone call from a friend and leave mr. big shot to sit and wonder why I left after only 10 minutes on the date.

8. Rapmaster “B” and the Funky Bunch
Maybe I should have entitled this one “How to speak proper English”. Nothing turns me off more, than someone with bad grammar. When first communicating with a guy via email, he has the luxury of using the spell check before he sends off his letters of woo to me. On a date, if I hear any of the following words during the normal course of conversation, it’s over: (guys take note)

  • a. “DUDE” (if you live in California, you know what I mean)
  • b. “GUNNA”
  • c. “WAS LIKE…”
  • d. “UMMM” (right before you answer a question)
  • e. “BRO” (I swear on everything sacred, that if I hear the word “BRO” ever again, I will do much harm)
  • F. “CUZ”
  • G. “BAIL” (as in “I bailed early from the gym….”)
  • Ummm Bro, if you was like gunna come to me with that kinda language on the first date…..bro, you had better prepare for the shortest date in your life cuz I’m fixin’ to bail on your sorry no-grammar-having a$$.

    9. Nice shoes, wanna screw?
    There is a proper time and a proper place for strong sexual innuendos. The first couple of dates are NOT said proper time. Don’t say it, don’t even think it. There is nothing more pathetic than someone who turns every word a girl says into something sexual. I don’t care how big you are, how many girls you have been with, how “great of a lover” you are. Maybe the last ho-bag that you dated did, but as a proper respectable female, I do not. I am pretty sure most other women will agree with this statement. Treat us like the proper ladies we are !!

    10. Not taking a hint.
    Guys: Women look for chemistry on a date. In this day and age, men with good looks and lots of money and tons of charm are a dime a dozen. I don’t care how big and buff you are. I don’t care what kind of care you drive. What I do care is the chemistry that I perceive to feel on the first couple of dates. If it isn’t there, cut your losses and end it. Most women are too nice to break it off with a guy they aren’t really “feeling it” with, so they agree to go out on one or two more dates. You should notice something’s amiss when we aren’t making direct eye contact, or our body language suggests that you take a long walk off a short pier, or you catch us smiling and flirting with a cute guy that happens to be sitting near us.

    Well there you have it. 10 reasons why I will never call you after our first date. I realize that I did not give any ground-breaking insight into the female mind here as that was not my intention. I think that in this crazy day and age of online dating, people should really start getting back to the basics. Common courtesy will do us all some good. After your next failed date, come back to this page and reread the above 10 tips and ask yourself if you did any of the above.

    If I can summarize this entire post into one statement it would be this: Treat everyone you meet in life with the same respect and courtesy you would wish upon yourself. I think this entire world has gone ape sh!t nuts and the root cause of it is simple lack of respect for one another. It’s as simple as that folks….let’s try to respect each other. Life is too short to be angry or walk around with a chip on your shoulder. If there is a problem, instead of blaming it on someone else, try to fix it yourself.

    Hopefully this post will help some clueless soul out there become successful one of the dating sites this holiday season. :P