The Douchebags in Life that Always Get the Girl
Douchebags are guys you meet in life who have gone above and beyond the standard definition of “asshole” and “jerkoff.” These types of guys exemplify the qualities and characteristics of someone whose best part probably ran down the side of his mother’s leg during conception. So why then are women attracted to these tools? Why do we see smoking hot women flocking to these guys in droves at the bars and at parties? This website will attempt to identify and catalogue the various douchebags in life and the reasons why hot women find them so attractive.
1. The Meathead
Why he is a douche:
Generally stemming from low self esteem and poor self image, guys like this have one mission in life: To get other guys to look at their bodies and tell them how big they look. Meatheads are completely self-absorbed and would rather engage in circle jerks in the gym showers than they would making love to a real female. When not masturbating in front of the mirror, they like to spend their time on the bodybuilding forums, posting shirtless pictures and asking other random guys for approval comments and opinions on their bodies. Meatheads have their own unique language. A simple sentence such as: “Hi, my name is Brian and I’m from Los Angeles” gets roughly translated into: “Yo, my name is B-dawg and I’m reppin L-Town.“. They lose weight rapidly by using the latest diets and even save money by using medifast coupons.
Why women date him: Some chicks are attracted to raw muscle and not much else. The meat heads of life serve an important function in society, much like the catfish and other bottom feeders of the oceans do. They scoop up the unwanted women who like to be used like a punching bag when the’roid rage starts to kick in.
2. The Pickup Artist
Why he is a douche: Pubic hair on his chin, Fred Durst soul patch (+5 douche points), eye liner, face that looks like Dr. Meth recently worked on it…guys like this try to break the mold but inevitably wind up looking (and acting) like they are trying way too hard. They use such code words as “Keno” and “Sarging” when talking about their game. For most guys worth their salt, it’s not that hard to get down the panties of a drunk college chick at 2am, but pickup artists are teh srs bsns.
Why women date him: At first she thinks he is a refreshing change from the usual guys that she lets fingerbang her in the parking lot of the bar at 2am….but after a while, she comes to realize that the pickup artist is nothing more than a one-trick pony, devoid of any depth and uniqueness.
3. White Boy with Chinese Symbol Tattoos
Why he is a douche: This type of douche thinks he has a spiritual connection with over 2000 years of Chinese history (despite the notable handicap of being born into an Irish family). He thinks that by wearing a tattoo of a symbol most non-Chinese people can’t read will make him seem mysterious and powerful. The words “Strong, Power, Hung Like a Bull” (more correctly read: No MSG in our Dim Sum) somehow empowers this douche to believe that he is the living reincarnation of Genghis Khan.
Why women date him: They see him as a deeply spiritual individual who is making a bold statement about his beliefs. They want a pussified, watered down version of the Asian culture to date. They would date a real Asian, but the whole “math” thing really bores them. Besides, there is nothing sexier than a white boy who misappropriates another culture for his own benefit.
4. Guidos (Stupid Mario, Loogey and the Princess)
Why they are a douches: Fake ass tough guys. Wanna be mafioso. Some of the more hardcore guidos walk around town like they own the place, looking to pick a fight with anyone that doesn’t kiss their ass. Watch “Jersey Shore” on MTV if you need any further explanation. This douchebag would have been #1 on this list, but luckily you won’t find too many guidos west of New Jersey.
Why women date them: They portray the stereotypical Italian young male in all its glory. Mafioso connections, orange spray on tan, neatly manicured eyebrows, all the signs of a tough guy. Any real Paisan would make one of these guys his live-in bitch, but unfortunately all of the real paisans are either locked up or 6 feet under. So what’s a girl to do? Date one of these jokers.
5. The Enforcer (a.k.a. The Wanna-Be Badass)
(This douche also comes in racist Sheriff and B-rated actor variations)
Why he is a douche: Small penis, badge and gun. Combine all 3 of these elements and you have the perfect storm of douchebaggery. Their power trips over their fellow man and arbitrary interpretation of the law exemplify the reasons why they were a bit too embarrassed to take a shower with the other guys in PE class back in high school.
Why women date him: Women are attracted to power (or the basic premise of it). Guys like this ooze testosterone and nothing says you’re a rebel without a cause than a mullet and the words: “Go in Christ, Brah.”
6. Trendy Guy (who used to be Chess Club President)
Why he is a douche: There is nothing wrong with being an intellectual in this day and age. Back in high school, Mr. Trendy had a 4.0gpa, was the president of the chess club and even made it all the way to Eagle Scout. Flash forward 2 years into college and gone are the pocket protector, TI 85 calculator and dumpy haircut. Instead he’s sporting an Ed Hardy t-shirt, trucker cap and huge aviator sunglasses. Something has changed here…it’s almost like he was trying to be someone he’s not.
Why women date him: Guys that are really and truly the fashion trend setters in life would NEVER date chicks like this. So what’s a girl to do? Find the next best thing, and squint really hard when looking at him.
7. No Talent Waste of Human Semen
Why he is a douche: Instead of winding up stuck to the back of a Kleenex tissue with 1 million of his potential rivals for the egg, this douche somehow made his way through conception. Figuring that the Universe gave him carte blanche due to his first accomplishment in life, this little attention whore forced his way into anything and everything that would get himself noticed. A true go-getter, as failure was never an option, only the norm. Talentless and renound for nothing, douchebags like this are only famous for making an ass out of themselves and cashing in big. Rumor has it that Spencer Pratt is now attempting to manage an MMA fighter. How unique and trendy! Can’t wait to see the pics of him wearing a full Tap Out uniform on TMZ.
Why women date him: Some women are drawn to quasi-fame and stardom. These same women realize that they will never wind up sleeping with Brad Pitt and instead settle for anyone that can get them into the Hollywood party scene, even if it means watching him work the room as a hors d’oeuvres waiter.
8. Tap Out Fake MMA Guys
Why he is a douche: Most guys that wear the Tap Out gear are wannabe fighters, looking to make a statement that they are a hardass. Not only do they look foolish, but they give real MMA fighters a bad name.
Why women date him: Some women like bad boys. Most guys who own more than 1 Tap Out shirt (complete with matching Tap Out shorts) probably figure their odds of getting into a fight (and subsequently getting their asses kicked) are slim to none and doesn’t taking that chance make you a badass in and of itself?
9. Emo Guys
Why he is a douche: Simply put: An emo guy is a douche that was born without testicles and strives to appear as feminine and sensitive as he possibly can.
Why women date him: It’s most likely due to the fact that he represents a non-threatening male figure in the girl’s life. Perhaps she had a few bad relationships with guys in the past and these emo types are just what she needs. Whatever her reasons are, as long as she isn’t expecting a good, hard pounding she should come out on top. Literally.
10. The Sugar Daddy
Why he is a douche: Women are nothing more than an aftermarket accessory whose only job is to sit quietly by his side and make him look good when they go out in public. In the end, they usually wind up getting screwed over when the next pretty young thing comes bouncing along. Most women who date guys like this aren’t too bright to begin with, and the words “biased one-sided prenup” mean absolutely nothing to them.
Why women date him: Money does strange things to people….it can cause a 55 year old overweight man to suddenly look like Brad Pitt in a speedo. In more rare cases, women see men like this as father figures, fulfilling a role that their own paternal father did not or could not fulfill.
11. The Guy Who Puts You to Shame
Why he is a douche: He is everything that you are not.
Why women date him: He is everything that you are not.
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July 13th, 2010 at 11:55 pm
I always find the bad guy and for some reason we have sex then he dumps me. Can you help me fix my problem?
August 11th, 2010 at 7:24 pm
You could stop finding bad guys and actually find a guy who cares for you? Unfortunately I can’t change the fact that nearly every girl I’ve ever known dates guys who treat them like shit instead of me. I still don’t know why I try to be nice to them but it doesn’t matter.
December 1st, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Exactly!!! You need to find a guy that treats you right and actually cares about you. But so many women turn their nose up with the “good guys” especially the younger women and they eventually grow out of it when they are ready for the serious relationships and not the one nighters. Usually they start wanting the serious relationships when their friends start to get married and they start getting left behind and sitting on the curb while her friends are married and starting the family she then starts to say the oh shit now they have their lives, starting to have kids and they are too busy with their lives to hang out too much. Plus also a lot of time these women that date the douchebags assholes don’t have a lot going for them, someone in their family is either a douche or maybe they never had the father figure around to show her what to date. Also some of these women that date these assholes douchebags are just acting out for awhile and they eventually get tired of these assholes/douchebags and realize the assholes/douchebags are just that and don’t give a shit about them and more likely have 3 or 4 other women on the side beside her.