Online Dating Matches

Dating after the divorce

Jan 11, 2008 by Karen · Leave a Comment

Here is a nifty little divorce guide to dating:

I usually write articles about dating advice and relationships with singles in mind. Today, I want to specialize for a minute and talk about dating for divorced people. If you are not divorced, but know someone who is, email them this article in the hopes that it will help them out.

One of my best friends is recently divorced. She put up with 7 years of an abusive relationship and I literally watched her disintegrate before my very eyes. All of her girlfriends told her to leave the loser time and time again, but it wasn’t until she caught him cheating on her (on Thanksgiving, of all times) that she finally saw the light. Over the past few months she has tried various online dating services and is now currently a member of eharmony.com

When I asked her the reason (as a divorced person) why she chose eHarmony, she replied that she joined because it seemed that the people on there were generally more serious about a relationship, rather than just a one night stand. She also told me that her attorney had briefly mentioned that several of his prior (and current) clients had joined eHarmony a few months after their divorces.

I did a little research after we spoke and was told (source requested to be un-named) that there are a surprisingly large number of divorced people on eHarmony. This isn’t to say that 1 out of every 2 people you meet on eHarmony are divorced, but rather divorced people seem to flock to eHarmony after the fact because their pastors or counselors had suggested it. Another reason that was given was due to the fact that while you are married, you are completely out of the dating game. Over the years your “game” goes from pimp-daddy (or single-foxy-chick) to not being able to get a date if you were rubbed down with horny dater musk, put in middle of a field full of horny daters in the middle of horny daters mating season. eHarmony was a safe and relatively easy way to dip your proverbial big toe back into the dating waters. There is nothing more pitiful than going to a bar and watching your recently divorced best friend friend trying to desperately hit on guys half her age. True, she may be still hot and still able to attract young guys, but she isn’t thinking clearly. Psychologically, she wanted to fill that void that her (asshole) ex-husband filled all those years. Her choice in men (especially at a bar) was not the best and she was in no mental shape to be going out to bars trying to meet men after her divorce.

I personally take a keen interest not only in online dating, but relationships as well. I did my dissertation on online dating and am always curious about increasing my knowledge about relationships and online dating. I asked my friend if she would put together a little “dating after the divorce” guide and she agreed to let me post it here:

Dating after the divorce

Imagine me handing you a pamphlet entitled: “So you decided to get divorced”.

In it, would be a few suggestions that are based upon my recent experience with dating after a divorce.

1. While the divorce is still being finalized, it is NOT a good time to go out there and sow your wild oats. Granted, you may have been in a loveless, sexless relationship for “x” amount of years, but think about what the judge is going to think when your ex hires a private investigator and you are seen cavorting, half drunk, and going home with a guy you just met at a bar. Also, keep in mind that you are technically still married, until the judge bangs his gavel and pronounces you free from the ball and chain. Some eager attorney (Lord knows there are no shortages of them) could try to use that fling against you in court.

2. Let the old relationship go. It can be hard to just walk away from someone you have been married to, but the quicker you cut all ties (unless a child is involved) the quicker you can be on the road to recovery. There will be many hard nights and you might find yourself crying your head off a time or two, but realize that life goes on and you left your ex because you wanted a better life, and there is someone out there who will bring you that joy and fulfillment. With all this being said (and pretty obvious) don’t go back to your ex for breakup sex. It can only lead to bad things…

3. Bars. The first week after the divorce was finalized (and I got his Mercedes..yay me !!) I felt lonely. There was a huge hole in my house and heart that my ex used to fill. Even though he was the demon spawn of satan himself, I still felt alone. My friends tried to take me out to a bar the week after to cheer me up. Bad idea. A few (read: 7 or 8 ) drinks into the night, and I found myself acting like an 18 year old school girl in the boys locker room. Anything that moved I was instantly trying to hit on. My friends understood my situation, but told me afterwards that I made a complete ass out of myself that night. Lesson learned.

4. Dating. Meeting guys at the bars probably wasn’t the greatest idea, and I wasn’t surprised when what seemed to be a promising date, turned into the date from hell. I then joined up with Match.com and Yahoo Personals (I asked Karen to post the “7 day free trial to Yahoo Personals” link at the bottom of this page. I went on there for 1 week for free), and met a few guys on there, but it seemed as if noone was really interested in 37 year old recently divorced female. I saw a commercial on t.v. about eHarmony and that reminded me of what my divorce attorney had advised me to do. So far I have been on there for just under 1 month, and have gone out on one date. The communication process is lengthy and it actually gave me time to sit back and analyze my potential dates. Needless to say, the last guy I went out with has some real potential…..

So far I have been single for about 2 months, so I really can’t give you any more advice than what I have been through. Here are 10 little pieces of advice that I can give to you:

1. Get closure with your ex and leave it all behind you.
2. Allow your friends to support you, and cherish it. They are there to help.
3. Don’t jump back into the dating game, willy-nilly, and for God’s sake, don’t have sex right afterwards. It only leads to empty feelings and even more confusion (or so I read…)
4. Expand your social circle. Try joining a night class at your local community college. The idea is to put yourself back out there because the longer you sit and have a pity party for yourself, the harder it is to get back on with your life.
5. Assess your self worth. Make a list of what you are good at, and the good qualities you have to offer both yourself and someone else. Keep this list handy and refer to it daily for the first few weeks.
6. Don’t fall into a downward spiral. If you are an ex-smoker, or an ex-drinker, now is definitely not the time to take either habit back up. While it may kill the pain temporarily, it will inevitably lead to even more pain down the road, and you won’t see it until it’s too late.
7. It’s ok if you fail. After your divorce, you may realize that you need to be stronger than you ever have been before. This is true, but when you fail, it can be a damaging psychological blow to your psyche. Take each day in stride. I remember reading somewhere that even Abraham Lincoln failed in life at various things he tried, until one day he found himself President of the United States. Keep your head up.
8. Don’t slack up at your day job (if you have one). Divorces can put such a mental strain on you, that you start to slip in life….and nothing is worse than getting fired for poor performance on the job.
9. Make some “you time”. Make time to do something that benefits you. Be it shopping, a walk in the park, going to the movies, whatever.
10. Keep on keeping on. Realize that divorce is not the end of something….but rather it is the beginning of something: Your new life. Think of how many people in life wish they had chosen a different path, but for whatever reasons are stuck. Now that you are single again, you can do what you have always wanted to do.
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Thank you to my friend for the above thoughts and comments on dating after divorce. I will continue to follow her trials and tribulations and report back on her progress. From time to time she will come back here and post her thoughts and advice on dating for divorced people.

Here is a freebie for you guys: (as requested by my friend)
Yahoo! Personals 7 Day FREE Trial offer

Did you know?attracts
the most divorced people of all the online dating sites out there?
I was told by someone in the industry that divorced
people flock to eHarmony because it is perceived
as a safe and easy way to get yourself back into
the dating game, without all of the pressure.
Online dating for divorced people is a great way
to “get your groove back”. There is nothing
more horrifying than getting back into the
dating game after several years of marriage.
eHarmony takes most of the pressure off
and lets you go at your own pace, a bonus
to that is that eHarmony attracts quality
singles, not the floozies you might find at
your local bar. Use this divorce guide to dating
as a road map to geting back into the game and
putting the past behind you and preparing for
a happy and successful future with the
love of your life !

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