A successful relationship is NOT based upon looks alone
I have an attractive (and normal) female friend who has been a member of several online dating sites for almost a year. Recently she remarked to me how she thought that the online dating sites were a complete waste of her time and money as: “There are no good men to be found, anywhere“. After some initial prodding on my part, I come to find out that her only criteria in a prospective boyfriend are his looks. She went on to say:
“I know this sounds bad, but I have a particular type of guy in mind and I’m not going to settle for anything less. It is important that I’m attracted to my partner and to settle for anything less that what I have in mind is not being true to myself.”
Her criteria for the “perfect man” reads like a screen test for the next James Bond movie:
1. “A guy that is in shape. I like tall guys with big chests and broad shoulders who work out 4-5 times a week.”
2. “A guy that dresses stylish and has a sense of fashion.”
3. “A guy that has class and knows how to treat a lady.”
I have a gut feeling she is going to be single for a very long time, and nothing much is going to change until she realizes she is living in a fantasy world. By then she will be in her mid to late 50′s and those 20-something “boy toys” that she is so fond of dating will be nowhere to be found.
When it comes to choosing a mate (with the intention of entering into a successful relationship) you cannot base your criteria on looks alone. True, you may have gotten extremely lucky in the past and dated one of these super hunks, but the truth of the matter is that your chances of finding the perfect guy or girl are slim to none.
eHarmony and Chemistry.com seem to think so as well. Dr Gian Gonzaga and his team at eHarmony Labs (the group of people who are responsible for the eHarmony matchmaking system) try to shift daters focus away from looks and instead draw their attention towards the various components of a successful match. Chemistry.com on the other hand, focuses their efforts on matching singles based on various components of their chemistry. Dr. Gozanga goes on to say:
“The things that are important for making a long-term relationship successful are not the things that attract you to someone in the first place”
Think about it. After the initial excitement of a relationship dies down, what is left? Are your partners good looks (which initially attracted you to him or her in the first place) all that they have going for them? What exactly do you two have in common that would enable you to stay together as a couple for 20-40 years? I have yet to see a female or male who has undergone a successful plastic surgery operation. Most of the time these men and women come out of the operating room looking like Dr. Frankenstein drank a fifth of Jack Daniels prior to getting behind the scalpel. If you have ever seen the “Real Houswives of Orange Country” or “Real Housewives of New York” take a long hard look at some of those ladies faces. (works best on a high definition t.v. screen for maximum horror amusement levels).
My advice to the self proclaimed “picky” men and women out there is as follows:
Lower your standards a bit if your intentions are to enter into a serious successful relationship. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to date someone that is 100lbs overweight who sweats bacon grease. There are plenty of “normal” men and women out there who have minor imperfections when it comes to looks. By actively avoiding getting to know these people, you are effectively cutting your chances (by a very large margin) of meeting “the one”.
Make a list of “must haves” when it comes to looks for your next boyfriend or girlfriend. These are physical features that your partner has that you cannot live without. Then take each physical feature and rate it on a scale of 1-10. Let’s say for example you absolutely have to have a guy who has a completely flat stomach (but not necessarily a 6 pack). Rate that a “7″ on a scale of 1-10 (with “10″ being a 6 pack and “1″ being a beer keg for a belly). Then take that “7″ and lower it down 2 points to a “5″. This will include guys who might have a bit of a belly, but nothing obvious or protruding.
You have just increased the pool of available guys by over 400% (props to my attorney friend for the math on this one). Do the same for the remainder of the shallow physical features that you have to have and pretty soon you will find yourself with many prospects for a successful relationship.
Besides, you must look pretty damn hot if you only date people based upon what they look like? Being that I have lived all of my life in California (aka “The land of Beautiful People”) I’m curious…why haven’t I seen you in movies or modeling in the magazines as of late?
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April 13th, 2010 at 9:20 pm
Definitely agree with this article. Dating is not about looks, it’s the acceptance of your partner and appreciating of who he is.