There are so many things that make me go hmmm about the opposite sex. Men are definitely a different species. But I’ve compiled a list of my top 10 reasons men make me utterly confused (and insane).

1. Men say they will call. Oh, yes, we have all been there. A man will say he will call me and never does. What? Why bother telling me you will call when you know damn well, you won’t. Just don’t say anything. Or even better tell me you are married, a priest or gay and I’ll never think about you again. Or, at least, I won’t waste my weekend looking to see if you ring me up.

2. Men think jeans, a clean shirt and closed toed shoes are dressing up. Really?? Really?? This is dressing up to you?? Women spend hours getting ready and choosing the perfect outfit and you just throw on a clean shirt (which probably means you have only worn it two times) and some shoes that aren’t sandals. Come on guys. Put a little effort into it. If you do, we’ll reciprocate and put a little effort in the bedroom for you.

3. Men eat a lot and never worry about gaining weight. This astonishes me. The mere fact that you can shove a chili dog, fries and 10 beers down your throat and never moan about it going to your hips is amazing. But it also drives me crazy because we women are always calculating the amount of calories and the exact number of minutes we will have to run on the treadmill to burn it off for every single bite.

4. Men like breasts, a lot. OK, I get this one-sort of. It is definitely built into the DNA code that all men like boobs. But the obsession?? That I don’t get. The constant drooling if a woman has breasts up to her eyeballs. You are men, not animals. Control that a little, ok. It’s fine to lust after our lady humps but please keep it in check.

5. Men like fast cars. This one is really funny to me. Especially since I live in Los Angeles. With the traffic out here, you cannot get above 55 mph, if you are lucky. So why would you buy a car that can go from 0 to 300 mph in 60 seconds. It makes no sense. I guess if you lived in the middle of nowhere and you had lots of open roads then maybe this would be beneficial. But honestly, if you lived out in the middle of nowhere, where are you in a hurry to get to?

6. Men leave laundry, food and anything else piled up for weeks and it never bothers them. Gross. Just gross. Clean up. If you need a maid, hire one. Even better, get off your lazy ass and do it yourself. Put things in their place. Clean the dishes and dust. It really doesn’t take that long. Throw out the trash. Your place will smell better. If you never want to attract another human being then keep living like this but if you are looking for a woman-clean up!!

7. Men want women 10 years (or more) younger than they are. This one just really bugs me. I think some men have a mirror that has a distorted view when they glance at themselves. Kinda like a funhouse mirror but makes them 30 lbs lighter, 10 years younger and sexy enough to catch a hot younger woman’s eye. What’s wrong with women who are your own age? And please, gentlemen, let me tell you, there is only one Hugh Hefner out there and you are not him.

8. Men can watch sports for days, weeks and years and never get bored. A good sports game is fine. I’m all for it. But 12 hours spent locked in the house with buffalo wings and pizza does not make a good Sunday for most women. Do us all a favor. Pick a game, pick a couple, then put the remote down and take us out for a fun day. If you do, you’ll be very happy with our brand of tackle later.

9. Men very rarely talk about their feelings. Ah, that scary word, FEELINGS. It sends men into a state of shock. Your feelings are actually pretty easy. If I stuck your hand under hot water, your hand would feel HOT. If I stuck your hand under cold water, your hand would feel COLD. So if a woman asks you how you feel about her, just state the obvious. Do you like her?? Do you see this going further?? Are you happy with the relationship?? Pretty easy questions and answers. And if the answers are complicated, just tell us why. No need for us to stick your head in the oven to get an answer, right?

10. Men think they are smarter than every woman alive. I could have gone to Yale, have 3 doctorate degrees and be a neurosurgeon and the average Joe will still think that he is smarter than I am. I think it is spelled out somewhere deep in their genetic code that they have to believe that they know more than women. They know everything. And if they don’t, they think that by watching a TV show or asking their neighbor, Bill, how something works automatically makes them an expert on it. Wrong! Yes, there are plenty of smart men out there but please, do every woman a favor by not assuming that you know it all and we don’t. We’ll just let you think you do, if you give us proper credit when we deserve it.

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